Happy New Year of Awesome Perfection!

Happy New Year plus one day! I love New Year’s, and I always make at least one resolution. This year, I resolve to be 100% perfect in all manner of things, which means I will no longer be allowed to:

Eat holiday (any holiday) candy for breakfast;

Pretend I don’t know the dishwasher needs to be unloaded;

Take a pair of either son’s boxer shorts out of the dirty clothes and say they are from the clean laundry;

Curse at drivers ahead of me who are going the exact speed limit;

Gossip;

Watch more than 10 minutes of a bad movie;

Order French fries for an entrée;

Act like I’m not home when a stranger rings the doorbell;

Hide the occasional clothing purchase from my husband;

Count a sugar-free Slurpee as one of my eight daily glasses of water;

Claim to drink eight glasses of water a day;

Nod like I understand what smart people are talking about at parties;

Claim to be invited to smart peoples’ parties;

Pretend that walking my 9 ½ year old dog counts as working out;

Skip entire sections of my book club books;

Tell everyone that this is the year I’ll finally take up yoga;

Imply that I loved kale as a child;

Spend two hours blog-hopping and call it writing time;

Feign interest in technology, gadgets, apps, and i-anything;

Recycle news magazines without even opening them; and

Roll my eyes sarcastically and, when observed by husband I didn’t know was watching, pretend that I wasn’t rolling my eyes, I was having contact lens issues, which then requires that I remove said contact lenses to make it appear legit.

I expect that by the end of the week, or sunset today, at least half of this list will be out the window, but until then I will enjoy my thirty-two seconds of New Year’s perfection.